The Evitable Conflict: why so many cis, straight, white etc. guys are still so intolerant, bigoted, prejudiced, and how to stop it.

I was recently accused of mansplaining. I didn't think I was mansplaining, and after the fact I talked to some other people present who assured me that I wasn't mansplaining and the person who said I was had made a mistake. I was relieved. It didn't end up being a problem, but in the moment I felt really bad. I definitely didn't mean to do anything offensive, and I felt personally attacked when I was called out. I think this is the way a lot of guys, white people, cis people, other un-oppressed groups feel when the disadvantaged get mad at them.

Those who are oppressed (for simplicity I will call them minorities, even though that's not technically true for women and probably some other groups) have every right to be upset. They have every right to be angry when a cis white guy questions why they're at a prestigious university or why they care about which bathroom they go to. If I were you, I'd be mad too. I have had marginal experience with this sort of thing because I'm Jewish, but I'm not going to pretend that that's a common problem in the bubble I live in. The point is, I at least know how it feels, and I am in no way denying your right to be who you are without criticism. With that in mind, here are a few ways I feel one might cause others to be more receptive to their message.

Whenever I see a feminist get mad an ignorant guy (or in some cases an ignorant feminist get mad at a justified guy), all I can think is that there's no way he is ever going to be a feminist. When I see a queer person get mad at a cis guy for a homophobic comment, all I can think is that there's no way he is ever going to be an ally. This is because of exactly the feeling I outlined during the mansplaining incident. He said something that offended you, and it was probably ill-informed or maybe just wrong. Telling him he's a terrible person or implying that you think so is just going to make him feel like your group is out to get him, which, ironically, is much the same way you probably feel about his group. Where do you think a guy gets the idea that feminists hate men? He gets that idea when someone rants to him about how privileged and ignorant he is and how sorry he should feel or when he hears about that happening to someone else. This is where the media comes in. #meninism and feminist retweet didn't start because unprovoked guys just decided that feminists were generally anti-male, it started because guys felt personally attacked by certain feminists, even if that isn't representative of what feminism is. That feeling is exactly what caused you to become so adamant about your cause. That feeling, when used the other way, can make that person just as adamantly against you. Keep in mind that when you criticize all of the racists in the deep south as terrible, soulless people, you are doing to them exactly what you believe they do to minorities. To summarize, I'll borrow some words from the great Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.. He said, "We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love." It's one thing to be right, and another to actually change things. 

A second thing that probably doesn't help the case to stand against oppression of any kind is how overwhelming the hundreds of demands from dozens of different groups are. When I scroll through twitter and see #blacklivesmatter and then #freethenipple and then #its2016andwestilldont I'm not particularly engaged by any one of them. I feel this is true for a lot of people. Obviously in an ideal world every single demand for equality and justice would be met, but if you want people to hear your message it has to be concise. If your mission statement is to make sure not a single person in the united states is bigoted, you're going to turn a lot of people off. Obviously the ideal solution is for everyone to rally behind one cause and one cause only until it's solved, starting with the one that causes the most harm and working down the line to the one that causes the least. This is very impractical, so I would recommend just keeping your list of demands short, starting with the most pressing issues, to keep your messag clear and concise. I think a lot of people who are currently indifferent might start drifting toward your side.

Finally, it's a lot easier for a friend to tell someone they made a mistake than an enemy or even an acquaintance. Even if it's a guy telling another guy they said something sexist, it's a lot easier to digest that a girl telling a guy. What I mean by that is that I'm confident that most women, queer people, or racial minorities are friends with someone outside of their group who is not intolerant. Even if you aren't, I'm sure one of your friends in the group is. Even if a guy is a feminist ideologically, when another guy is talking about how stupid feminists are, he usually doesn't want to get in an argument with him about it. Even though he may agree with feminist values, there are so many negative connotations associated with feminism, even in his eyes, that he won't actively associate himself with feminism. If the people preaching to either of those guys about feminism are girls, they will probably be less receptive than if they are told by guys. This is best illustrated in an example. If there are two friends, guys X and Y, and guy Y is friends with girl Z, and guy X says something sexist to girl Z, it's a lot easier for him to hear that he messed up from guy Y than from girl Z. 

I do not want this blog to discourage anyone from standing up for what is important to them. My intent is only to increase the support for progressive causes and decrease misunderstandings and ignorance as reasons to oppose these causes. You attract more bees wit honey than vinegar, or whatever that saying is. If your goal is to be right and alone, you can disregard this whole piece, but if you want to make a real positive impact, I urge you to consider some of what is written above.